sarahs blog: March 2012

Odd One Out. A poem written by Sarah Edwards.

Why oh why are we odd ones out,
Night after night, I dream of more,
Time and time again, I say to myself,
The longing,wanting,hurting, feels so sore,
Will it be different for us,
No, I don’t seem to think,
Friends,family don’t understand,
Our feelings, our yearnings, our hopes and dreams.
Oh, there she is, the barren one,
Nothing can fill this empty space,
In my hearts desire, this tragic place,
In enters the stress, failure and desperation.
Just the same, month in, month out,
Soon the years begin to race by,
Why us, why me, why not one day,
Whatever did we do wrong to live this way.
Children laughing, playing, having fun,
Sounds of happiness and joy,
But here, there is just frozen silence,
For ever, feeling the pain inside,
People think in family ways, planning this and that,
Days out at the zoo, picnics and the seaside,
Bucket and spades, sand in your shoes,
We would love this, if only God would choose.
Empty homes, empty rooms, empty wombs,
Just us two, as one, as ever before,
Don’t get me wrong, the strong love is there,
Will always be, I will love you ever more,
Friends, colleagues,neighbours, forget you have none,
Just everyday planning of family fun,
This is all so easy and normal for you,
Then why oh why, cant we share it too…

Friday 30 March 2012

Getting close

Well my hysterectomy is getting close now, i had my pre op yesterday. The nurses are a little worried aabout my blood pressure, so i am going to visit my gp on Monday to see if they can give me something to calm me down as im very anxious. This time next week i wont be a complete woman any more and no longer be able to dream of my miracle of ever having my own baby in my arms....

Saturday 10 March 2012

Rambling on....

Well im having a life changing operation on 4th April 2012. Im having a total hysterectomy with ovaries, tubes and cervix out. I know im feeling very emotional about it, it should make me feel better, but on the other hand i know it will mean the end of my dreams of ever having a baby. It hurts because i feel at times im not a proper woman. I feel empty. I knew before, we could never have children but this is just the end of any miracles that could happen. Dont get me wrong i want the operation because at the moment i have no quality of life. It just makes you think....

ESA Assesment

Im dreading Wednesday 14th March. I have an appointment to see if i can get some help financially while im off sick and after my hysterectomy. I have worked all my life and this is the first time ive asked for anything. Its just not fair. Some people i know of have never worked at all, they get hundreds of pounds each week.
I feel im being judged because im ill. Life is so not fair........